Victorian Etiquette

Many of the Victorian etiquette rules explicitly reinforce gender and class boundaries. ladies behave differently with gentlemen or with other ladies, as well as with people of higher, same, or lower class.

here is a collection of etiquette rules culled from different sources. not all of them refer to actions in the play but they are included because they give more context. the list is already trimmed down A LOT, which gives an indication of how regimented life was.

the list is organized in sections:

The Basic Rules of Etiquette
Victorian Etiquette - Etiquette on the Street
Rules for Conversation
Etiquette in Church
Victorian Etiquette - Etiquette When Visiting
Victorian Etiquette - At Teas and Receptions
Victorian Etiquette - On Mourning
Victorian Etiquette - Breaches of Etiquette
The Qualities of a Gentleman
Rules for Balls
Courtship and Fanning Rules

after you've skimmed through this, take the test!!
this link takes you to a site where you can be in different situations and have to pick the most appropriate dress, decide what to do in response to certain events, etc. you can play as a man or a woman, at home, at the ball, at the gentleman's club, etc..

http://www.mccord-museum.qc.ca/en/keys/games/17


Victorian Etiquette - The Basic Rules of Etiquette

Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.

Learn to speak in a gentle tone of voice.

Learn to say kind and pleasant things when opportunity offers.

Learn to deny yourself and prefer others.

Victorian Etiquette - Etiquette on the Street

The true lady walks the street, wrapped in a mantle of proper reserve, so impenetrable that insult and coarse familiarity shrink from her, while she, at all times, carries with her a congenial atmosphere which attracts all, and puts all at their ease.

It is proper that the lady should first recognize the gentleman. A gentleman will never fail to bow in return to a lady; but a lady may not feel at liberty to return a gentleman’s bow, which places him in a rather unpleasant position. Therefore, a lady should give the first smile or bow. She must refrain, at all times, from using the gentleman’s Christian name.

In bowing, the head should be best; a mere lowering of the eyelids, affected by some people, is rude; but etiquette does not permit a familiar nod, except between business men, or very intimate friends. In passing and repassing on a public promenade or drive, bows are exchanged only at the first meeting.

In carrying canes, umbrellas, and packages, care should be taken that they do not inconvenience others.

In meeting on a street crossing, gentlemen should make way for ladies, and younger persons for older ones.

Ladies and gentlemen, when meeting on the sidewalk, should always pass to the right.

In the evening or whenever safety may require, a gentleman should give a lady his arm.

A gentleman may take two ladies upon his arms, but under no circumstances should the lady take the arms of two gentlemen.

A gentleman will assist a lady over from an omnibus or carriage, without waiting for the formality of an introduction.

A true lady will go quietly and unobtrusively about her business when on the street, never seeking to attract the attention of the opposite sex, at the same time recognizing acquaintances with a courteous bow, and friends with pleasant words of greeting.


Rules for Conversation

Rise to one's feet as respect for an older person or dignitary.

A true gentleman tips their hat to greet a lady, opens doors, and always walks on the outside.

Conversation is not to talk continually, but to listen and speak in our turn.

Do not monopolize conversation or interrupt another speaker to finish his story for him.

Gentlemen should use but very little perfume, as too much of it is in bad taste.

A lady, when crossing the street, must raise her dress a bit above the ankle while holding the folds of her gown together in her right hand and drawing them toward the right. It was considered vulgar to raise the dress with both hands as it would show too much ankle, but was tolerated for a moment when the mud is very deep.

A young lady should be expected to shine in the art of conversation, but not too brightly. Etiquette books of the era concentrate on the voice, rather than the content of speech, encouraging her to cultivate that distinct but subdued tone.

When introduced to a man, a lady should never offer her hand, merely bow politely and say, "I am happy to make your acquaintance."

While courting, a gentleman caller might bring only certain gifts such as flowers, candy or a book. A woman could not offer a gentleman any present at all until he had extended one to her, and then something artistic, handmade and inexpensive was permissible.

A gentleman may delicately kiss a lady's hand, the forehead, or at most, the cheek.

If you are conversing with people who know less than you, do not lead the conversation where they cannot follow.

A lady should never join in any rude plays that will subject her to be kissed or handled in any way by gentlemen, e.g., if a hand reaches out to admire a breast pin, draw back and take it off for inspection.

Etiquette in Church

A gentleman should remove his hat as soon as he enters the doors of the church, and should and replace it on his head after service until he has reached the outer vestibule.

Victorian Etiquette - Etiquette When Visiting

Do not be in haste to seat yourself; one appears fully as well and talks better, standing for a few moments.

A man should always remain standing as long as there are any women standing in the room.

A man should never take any article from a woman's hands--book, cup, flower, etc.--and remain seated, she standing.

Do not meddle with, or stare at the articles in the room.

Do not call across the length of the room if you wish to address any one. Cross the room and speak to him quietly.

Do not walk around the room, examining pictures, while waiting for the hostess.

Do not introduce politics, religion or other weighty topics for conversation when making calls.

Do no, if a gentleman, seat yourself upon the sofa beside the hostess, or in near proximity, unless invited to do so.

Do not scratch your head or use a toothpick, earspoon or comb.

Use a handkerchief when necessary, but without glancing at it afterwards. Also be as quiet and unobtrusive in the action as possible.

Do not tell long stories, argue, talk scandal or rumors and do not attack the religious beliefs of anyone present.

Do not enter a room without first knocking and receiving an invitation to come in.

It is not acceptable to reject any apology directed your way. In turn, you must always offer an apology if you have caused ill feelings.

Victorian Etiquette - At Teas and Receptions

The day and hour of an afternoon tea may be written on a visiting card. For an afternoon reception, an "At Home" card is used.

Only simple refreshment should be served at an afternoon tea. Thin slices of bread and butter, sandwiches, fancy biscuits or cake, tea, coffee, or chocolate, ice-cream and bouillon. Punch and lemonade may also be served, but no wine or alcoholic drinks.Ladies Taking Tea

The hostess should shake hands with her guests and receive them cordially; any formality is out of place on an informal occasion.

If the number of guests is small, the hostess should walk about the room, talking with her visitors. If large guest list, she should remain near the door and have the aid of other ladies who should help entertain the guests, ask them to take refreshments and make introductions when necessary.

Victorian Etiquette - On Mourning

Mourning clothes are the families outward display of their inner feelings.

The deepest mourning clothes are black, symbolizing spiritual darkness. They are made from a non-reflective paramatta silk or the less expensive bombazine. The dresses are trimmed with crape in a peculiar crimped shape appearance produced by heat. Crape was chosen for mourning clothes as it doesn't combine well with any other clothing. After a period of time, the crape could be removed and the color of the dress lightened as mourning goes on to gray, mauve and then white.

Men have it easy as they simply wear their dark suits along with black gloves, hatbands and cravats. Children are not expected to wear mourning clothes, though sometimes you will find girls wearing white dresses.

The length of time spent mourning depends on your relationship to the deceased and are dictated by society. Widows are expected to wear full mourning dress for two years; everyone else less--children mourning parents or vice versa one year, for grandparents and siblings six months, aunts and uncles two months.

Victorian Etiquette - Breaches of Etiquette

To remove one's gloves when making a formal call.

To stare around the room.

For a caller who is waiting the entrance of the hostess to open the piano or touch it if it is open.

To go to the room of an invalid unless invited.

To look at your watch when calling.

To walk around the room when waiting for the hostess.

To open or shut a door, raise or lower a window curtain, or in any other way alter the arrangement of a room when visiting.

Turn your chair so that you back faces another guest.

To play with any ornament in the room or to seem to be aware of anything but the company present while visiting.

To remain when you find the host or hostess dressed to go out.

To make remarks about another caller who has just left the room.

The Qualities of a Gentleman

He acts kindly from the impulse of his kind heart.

He is brave, because, with a conscience void of offence, he has nothing to fear.

He is never embarrassed, for he respects himself and is profoundly conscious of right intentions.
He keeps his honor unstained, and to retain the good opinion of others he neglects no civility.

He respects even the prejudices of men whom he believes are honest.

He opposes without bitterness and yields without admitting defeat.

He is never arrogant, never weak.

He bears himself with dignity, but never haughtily.

Too wise to despise trifles, he is too noble to be mastered by them.

To superiors he is respectful without servility; to equals courteous; to inferiors kind.

He carries himself with grace in all places, is easy but never familiar, genteel without affection.

He unites gentleness of manner with firmness of mind.

He commands with mild authority, and asks favors with grace and assurance.

It is almost a definition of a gentleman to say he is one who never inflicts pain. This description is both refined and, as far as it goes, accurate. He is mainly occupied in merely removing the obstacles which hinder the free and unembarrassed action of those about him; and he concurs with their movements rather than takes the initiative himself.

His benefits may be considered as parallel to what are called comforts or conveniences in arrangements of a personal nature: like an easy chair or a good fire, which do their part in dispelling cold and fatigue, though nature provides both means of rest and animal heat without them.

The true gentleman in like manner carefully avoids whatever may cause ajar or a jolt in the minds of those with whom he is cast; -- all clashing of opinion, or collision of feeling, all restraint, or suspicion, or gloom, or resentment; his great concern being to make every one at their case and at home.

He has his eyes on all his company; he is tender towards the bashful, gentle towards the distant, and merciful towards the absurd; he can recollect to whom he is speaking; he guards against unseasonable allusions, or topics which may irritate; he is seldom prominent in conversation, and never wearisome. He makes light of favours while he does them, and seems to be receiving when he is conferring.

He never speaks of himself except when compelled, never defends himself by a mere retort, he has no ears for slander or gossip, is scrupulous in imputing motives to those who interfere with him, and interprets everything for the best.

He is never mean or little in his disputes, never takes unfair advantage, never mistakes personalities or sharp sayings for arguments, or insinuates evil which he dare not say out. From a long-sighted prudence, he observes the maxim of the ancient sage, that we should ever conduct ourselves towards our enemy as if he were one day to be our friend.

He has too much good sense to be affronted at insults, he is too well employed to remember injuries, and too indolent to bear malice. He is patient, forbearing, and resigned, on philosophical principles; he submits to pain, because it is inevitable, to bereavement, because it is irreparable, and to death, because it is his destiny. If he engages in controversy of any kind, his disciplined intellect preserves him from the blunder.

Rules for Balls

Any number over a hundred guests constitutes a "large ball;" under fifty it is merely a "dance."

Certain fashionables seek to gain a kind of reputation by the odd choice of their attire, and by their eagerness to seize upon the first caprices of the fashions. Propriety with difficulty tolerates these fancies of a spoiled child; but it applauds a woman of sense and taste, who is not in a hurry to follow the fashions, and asks how long they will last, before adopting them; finally, who selects and modifies them with success according to her size and figure.

We are not obliged to go exactly at the appointed hour; it is even fashionable to go an hour later. Married ladies are accompanied by their husbands; unmarried ones, by their mother, or by an escort.

A lady cannot refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she has already accepted that of another, for she would be guilty of an incivility which might occasion trouble; she would, moreover, seem to show contempt for him whom she refused, and would expose herself to receive in secret an ill compliment from the mistress of the house. When a young lady declines dancing with a gentleman, it is her duty to give him a reason why, although some thoughtless ones do not. No matter how frivolous it may be, it is simply an act of courtesy to offer him an excuse; while, on the other hand, no gentleman ought so far to compromise his self-respect as to take the slightest offense at seeing a lady by whom he has just been refused, dance immediately after with some one else.

In inviting a lady to dance with you, the words, "Will you honor me with your hand for a quadrille?" or, "Shall I have the honor of dancing this set with you?" are more used now than "Shall I have the pleasure?" or, "Will you give me the pleasure of dancing with you."

Married or young ladies, cannot leave a ball-room or any other party, alone. The former should be accompanied by one or two other married ladies, and the latter by their mother, or by a lady to represent her.

Ladies should avoid talking too much; it will occasion remarks. It has also a bad appearance to whisper continually in the ear of your partner.

The master of the house should see that all the ladies dance; he should take notice, particularly of those who seem to serve as drapery to the walls of the ball-room, (or wall-flowers, as the familiar expression is,) and should see that they are invited to dance. But he must do this wholly unperceived, in order not to wound the self-esteem of the unfortunate ladies.

Gentlemen whom the master of the house requests to dance with these ladies, should be ready to accede to his wish, and even appear pleased at dancing with a person thus recommended to their notice.

In giving the hand for ladies chain or any other figures, those dancing should wear a smile, and accompany it with a polite inclination of the head, in the manner of a salutation. At the end of the dance, the gentleman reconducts the lady to her place, bows and thanks her for the honor which she has conferred. She also bows in silence, smiling with a gracious air.

Dance with grace and modesty, neither affect to make a parade of your knowledge; refrain from great leaps and ridiculous jumps, which would attract the attention of all towards you.

We should retire incognito, in order not to disturb the master and mistress of the house; and we should make them, during the week, a visit of thanks, at which we may converse of the pleasure of the ball and the good selection of the company.

A lady will not cross a ball-room unattended.

A gentleman will not take a vacant seat next to a lady who is a stranger to him. If she is an acquaintance, he may do so with her permission.

White kid gloves should be worn at a ball, and only be taken off at supper-time.

When a gentleman escorts a lady home from a ball, she should not invite him to enter the house; and even if she does so, he should by all means decline the invitation. he should call upon her during the next day or evening.

As the guests enter the room, it is not necessary for the lady of the house to advance each time toward the door, but merely to rise from her seat to receive their courtesies and congratulations. If, indeed, the hostess wishes to show particular favor to some peculiarly honored guests, she may introduce them to others, whose acquaintance she may imagine will be especially suitable and agreeable.

When entering a private ball or party, the visitor should invariably bow to the company. No well-bred person would omit this courtesy in entering a drawing-room; although the entrance to a large assembly may be unnoticed.

Any presentation to a lady in a public ball-room, for the mere purpose of dancing, does not entitle you to claim her acquaintance afterwards; therefore, should you meet her, at most you may lift your hat; but even that is better avoided - unless, indeed, she first bow - as neither she nor her friends can know who or what you are.

Never wait until the signal is given to take a partner, for nothing is more impolite than to invite a lady hastily, and when the dancers are already in their places; it can be allowed only when the set is incomplete.

In private parties, a lady is not to refuse the invitation of a gentleman to dance, unless she is previously engaged. the hostess must be supposed to have asked to her house only those persons whom she knows to be perfectly respectable and of unblemished character, as well as pretty equal in position; and thus, to decline the offer of any gentleman present, would be a tacit reflection on the gentleman or lady of the house.

Courtship and Fanning Rules

Courtship was considered more a career move than a romantic interlude for young men, as all of a woman's property reverted to him upon marriage. Therefore courting was taken very seriously--by both sides. Men and women were careful not to lead the other on unnecessarily.

From the time she was young, a woman was groomed for this role in life--dutiful wife and mother. Properly trained, she learned to sing, play piano or guitar, dance and be conversant about light literature of the day. She also learned French and the rules of etiquette as well as the art of conversation and the art of silence.

Coming out meant a young woman had completed her education and was officially available on the marriage mart. Financial or family circumstances might delay or move up a girl's debut, though typically, she came out when she was seventeen or eighteen. She purchased a new wardrobe for the season, in order to appear her best in public.

A girl was under her mother's wing for the first few years of her social life. She used her mother's visiting cards, or that of another female relative if her mother was dead. This same person usually served as her chaperone, as a single girl was never allowed out of the house by herself, especially in mixed company.

Courtship advanced by gradations, with couples first speaking, then walking out together, and finally keeping company after mutual attraction had been confirmed. But a gentleman had to take care in the early stages of courtship. If he was introduced to a lady at a party for the purpose for dancing, he could not automatically resume their acquaintance on the street. He had to be re-introduced by a mutual friend. And then, only upon permission of the lady.

The lower classes had opportunities to socialize at Sunday Service, Church suppers and holiday balls, while upper classes held their social events throughout the season. The season ran from April to July. Some families arrived in town earlier if Parliament was in session. A typical debutante's day meant she rose at 11a.m. or 12 noon, ate breakfast in her dressing room, attended a concert or drove in the Park, dined at eight, went to the opera, then to three or four parties until 5 a.m--all under the watchful eye of her chaperone.

Great care had to be taken at these public affairs, so as not to offend a possible suitor or his family. Following are some rules of conduct a proper female must adhere to:

* She never approached people of higher rank, unless being introduced by a mutual friend.
* People of lesser rank were always introduced to people of higher rank, and then only if the higher-ranking person had given his/her permission.
* Even after being introduced, the person of higher rank did not have to maintain the acquaintance. They could ignore, or 'cut' the person of lower rank.
* A single woman never addressed a gentleman without an introduction.
* A single woman never walked out alone. Her chaperone had to be older and preferably married.
* If she had progressed to the stage of courtship in which she walked out with a gentleman, they always walked apart. A gentleman could offer his hand over rough spots, the only contact he was allowed with a woman who was not his fiancée.
* Proper women never rode alone in a closed carriage with a man who wasn't a relative.
* She would never call upon an unmarried gentleman at his place of residence.
* She couldn't receive a man at home if she was alone. Another family member had to be present in the room.
* A gentlewoman never looked back after anyone in the street, or turned to stare at others at church, the opera, etc.
* No impure conversations were held in front of single women.
* No sexual contact was allowed before marriage. Innocence was demanded by men from girls in his class, and most especially from his future wife.
* Intelligence was not encouraged, nor was any interest in politics.

A woman was allowed some liberties, however. She could flirt with her fan, as this behavior was within the protocol of accepted behavior. Here are what different signals meant:

Fan fast--I am independent
Fan slow--I am engaged
Fan with right hand in front of face--Come on
Fan with left hand in front of face--Leave me
Fan open and shut--Kiss me
Fan open wide--Love
Fan half open--Friendship
Fan shut--Hate
Fan swinging--Can I see you home?